Where And When Would I Kill Her?
by D.i.S.c.O.n.N.e.C.t.T.e.D.d.O.t
Summary: They are two unabused, biologically sound females. They have big issues with where they are. And the fellowship expects them to be bimbos. You shouldn't call an armed feminist a bimbo, nor should you deprive a stoner of their pot. MovieCanon.
1. Cliché 1: I'll Call For You

To save you from reading long descriptions of the inserted (this is an 11th walker. Run if you need to, but I'm trying to take a stab at being unorthodox with these):

Cade (Cadence)- straight, waist length hair, dyed brown (she's a natural blonde and got sick of the "Aryan Posterchild" label given to her by her brunette brother); 5 foot 4 inches; light blue eyes; pasty skin; Swedish/Austrian. Has affinity for black eyeliner/mascara (without she looks washed-out); despises "Emo" in all shapes and forms; likes politics; "socialist"; drives a silver Lexus Hybrid.

Prone to excessive cynicism and causticity; a right bitch really. Has a rare compassionate streak and something against American accents.

Emine (Emily-Sabine)- shoulder length, puffy, purple hair (with black roots); Filipino, though rather pale and tall at 5 foot 7 inches; has affinity for old-world tchotchkes and objects; too laid back for her own good (and proves the point quite well); part-time "hedonist"; drives a teal combi van emblazoned with magenta peace signs (or when she channels Liberace, a purple Chrysler Crossfire).

Never shown much talent for anything important, despite having sporadic flashes of general knowledge (WW2 in particular). Some people actually wonder why she's still living...

Now, on with the show…

Cliché 1- The Mandatory Accident And Bright Lights In Technicolor

* * *

It was an unnaturally cold Australian summer night and two seventeen-year-old, post HSC girls in a silver Lexus were driving down a deserted mountain road, preoccupied in thought. 

One thought about the urban legends that usually involve two females in a car in the middle of nowhere while humming the beat to "Jesus Walks With Me" by Kanye West and the other was lying in the backseat groaning in nauseated pain.

"Cade, can you pull over?"

"Emine, the next lookout's five kilometres away. Wait."

"How 'bout no? It's gonna be your ass on the platter when your dad finds puke stains on the carpet of his very expensive car that his favourite daughter took without his permission."

"If you say 'ass' instead of 'arse' like you should I'm smacking you," Cade hit the accelerator so they were going at 95kph.

"Yeah, you say that and never mean it," Emine pointed out.

"Or so you think," came a snide reply.

"Yeah, I think," the nauseated one cried defensively.

"Really? That's a first…." Cade said, her voice swimming in sarcasm.

"You're meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeean, meanie poo," Emine whined, feigning hurt.

"I'm not mean I'm right," the said meanie poo stated.

"No, you can just crack walnuts with your ass because it's so tight," Emine mumbled.

"Why the sudden interest with my arse?" Cade cocked an eyebrow.

"I was speaking figuratively, _Mabuye gago,_" Emine said matter-of-factly and blew a raspberry, spitting all over the place.

"You can never be sure when you say something like that, _chien moche,_" Cade pointed out.

"Screw you, _cane brutta."_

"You're not actually going to screw me, are you? You know I don't swing that way" Cade smirked.

"Awwwwwwwwwwww... we can fix that." Emine reached for Cade's leg.

"You fuck off," Cade spat and made sure that her left hand was proximal to Emine's eyes. Emine shifted toward the door and tried to open the door, unaware of the fact that Cade put the child lock on.

Emine (along with most of the general public) was scared of Cade's nails; she cut and filed them to sharp points and painted them silver so they looked like small razorblades at the tip of each strong, tapered finger. She had large hands too.

_"All the better to strangle you with, my dear," she would say._

Cade smirked; she loved her ability to scare people just by walking in their general direction or just by talking. She never got why though, the people who knew her well enough realised that the 'evil, heinous, tempestuous, naturally blonde she-demon' wouldn't even hurt a fly. The façade was quite useful, and she cackles quite well.

Her ability to alienate herself from others was commendable, too.

They then sat in dead silence; a silence that was occasionally broken by a gulping sound that was followed by either a groan/whimper, an "oh god," "eurgh." Cade thought she heard an Our Father or a Hail Mary.

"Catholics," she muttered and rolled her eyes, taking them off the road.

As they focussed back onto the road, a black-robed figure appeared on the road directly in front of the car.

The Protestant slammed down on the brakes, but lost control as the vehicle swerved and did a complete 360…

Emine chundered over her most prized shirt.

The figure was gone, and a monolithic truck was coming at them.

Shrill screams filled the air, and bright lights were all that were seen.

TBC

* * *

Translations: 

Mubaye gago- stupid girl (Tagalog)

Chien moche- ugly dog (French)

Cane brutta- ugly dog (Italian, probably incorrect, but it's been years since I studied)

Please con-crit/review. Go on, press the review button and tell me what you liked (if you did) and didn't like (or if you think this is going to be a Mary Sue).


	2. Cliché 2: I'll Hand Myself Over

Oh, I forgot this in the previous chapter…

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Yeah.

Cliché 2: The Compromising Position And The Vague Introduction Of Canon Characters

* * *

­­­­­­ 

_The figure was gone, and a monolithic truck was coming at them._

_Shrill screams filled the air, and bright lights were all that were seen._

They braced themselves for heavy impact, but…

_thud _

Then…

_thud thud thud thud thud thud thud thud thud thud thud thud thud_

Opening her eyes, Cade saw strange and thoroughly deformed, bipedal things in the light-that-was-so-bright-that-her-eyes-had-trouble-adjusting-to-it were colliding with right side of the car and shattering the window.

Cade seized the steering wheel and brought the car to a sharp halt _thud, _opened the window and stuck her head out to check if any of the creature thingies were still alive.

Her attention was diverted when one of the thingies threw itself across the bonnet and began clawing at the glass; it looked like a typical evil minion from a fairytale: gross, grey mottled skin, sharp, crooked yellow and brownish teeth, hooked nose, demented eyes, clad in weathered rags and wielding some sort of crude sword. For about 4 seconds, Cade stared at the said thing like a stunned mullet.

She was literally slapped out of her stupor by Emine who was shrieking:

"OI! Dumb bitch! Drive! Drive!"

Cade smashed down on the accelerator and saw in the rear view mirror that they were being chased by about eight more of the gremlins.

"GO GO GO!" Emine yelled.

They sped off into the distance in any random direction, after fifteen minutes they stopped.

"What the fuck smells so damn gross?" Cade inquired and looked behind her. "Oh, that's just **wrong**," she choked out and undid the child lock.

Emine opened the door and rolled head first onto the ground while Cade opened the rest of the doors to air out the car. She scrambled around in the glove box in search of air freshener and a water bottle.

After she found them, Cade sprayed the entire contents of the aerosol on the backseat and some on the prone, bile-covered carcass half hanging out the door; she threw the bottle at its head.

"Why the fuck did you do that?" it whined.

"Because you smell bad. Really bad. Wash yourself, you miscreant," Cade replied as she was holding her nose.

"Fuck you."

"I know you want to," Cade said in a mock-horny tone.

"No." Emine took off her shirt and sprayed it with water. "Get my suitcase; I need to change."

Cade got out of the car and opened the boot. "So yours is the multicoloured Louis Vuitton?"

"Yeah," Emine responded.

"Eurgh. You have no taste," Cade said and shoved it in Emine's direction.

Cade walked off, ostensibly looking for a road. "Riddle me this: what time did we leave Jacky Boy's?"

"Midday-ish. Why?"

"It was dusk…"

"Your point being?"

"Look at the friggin' sky! Is it dark! NO!" Cade yelled the last bit in a vague Irish accent and indicated the bright mid afternoon sky.

"What do you think the reasons for that are? You're the smart one who knows all about all the mysteries of the universe and infinitum. You've got all the answers to everything; you tell _me_," Emine yelled back, putting on a rather slutty singlet.

"Hmmm… yes. I am so smart, I am so smart, S-M-A-T, I mean, S-M-A-R-T. Look I'm on your level now," and with she did her best impression of a kid with Down Syndrome.

Emine moved toward the car door, narrowing her eyes at Cade.

Cade composed herself and continued, "Well I can't answer everyone's fuckin' questions, okay?" She swallowed and grit her teeth, "And... what the hell is that?" she pointed to the orc across the bonnet.

Emine stared at the alien form. She actually thought about what it could be, but that was impossible. She discarded it and looked on with practised indifference.

"I have no clue whatsoever," she somewhat lied.

"You're a shit liar. "

"I'M NOT LYING!" Emine's mouth twitched slightly. She hoped that she could skirt around this issue like she did with all the others.

In silence, they took the body by the arms and pushed it off the car.

"Get in the car; we're going to find a road. Get your mobile out too."

Emine got in the front seat, got her phone out of the glove box.

"No reception." She sighed. The GPS didn't seem to be working either. Emine began a panic attack, for the sake of doing something.

Cade looked at her friend. "What are you-?" She was cut off by a phone being waved in her face.

"WHY ARE YOU WAVING THAT THING IN MY FACE?" Cade roared.

"THERE'S NO GPS!" Emine cried, a few octaves higher than usual.

"Well a country road isn't exactly named." Cade shook her head and rolled her eyes at Emine's antics.

"We were in Kempsey south. That's what it said," Emine gesticulated at the mobile's screen.

"Well where do you think we are now? It was dark when we were in Kempsey south as you said." Cade pursed her lips.

"Lets just find a goddamn road." Emine backed down. "Go thattaway," she pointed to what she assumed was west.

"You didn't answer my question," Cade said.

Emine deliberated for quite some time; she knew that if she said what she really thought she'd get bitch slapped.

"Purgatory. I think we're in purgatory," she said, looking out the window.

"Okay. Lets take our minds off the fact that we're probably dead and just don't realise." Cade smiled and got out her CD case. They decided on the Bloodhound Gang and the Whitlams. In a matter of seconds they were singing along to "Fire Water Burn"; Cade even did a white girl gangster rap.

* * *

Somewhere in the distance, the ears of two males elves perked up at the sound of voices. They had found a band dead orcs nearby and decided to investigate the source of the wailing noise; they had their bows and lots of arrows with them as well. 

"Tirio", one of the elves said, and pointed at the silver automobile. _Look_

"Man sa?" queried the other and looked in the direction. _What is it?_

"Avo faro an brestad; sa telitha le," he continued. _Don't look for trouble; it will come to you

* * *

_

Well, this is getting off to a shaky start. Special thanks to Just Me and Jinxeh for reviewing._  
_


	3. Not So Cliché: Burn Your Wings

" " is speech or a song title

' ' is thought

Not So Cliché: Three Evils

* * *

­­­­­­­­­­­­­ 

_Aiste Svetlana Lindblom-Kiriyama_

_14.7.1987-19.5.01_

_The light in this dark world_

The circumstances surrounding her death are unknown to all but one Emily-Sabine "Emine" Ataviado.

Aiste and Emine were never on good terms. Their only link to each other was Cade.

_January 31st 1994: Jameson Ruger (Junior Campus), Belmont, Sydney._

"_Good morning class," a cloying voice rang through the room._

"_Good morn-ing Ms. Cor-ruth-ers." _

"_We have a new student in our class. This is Aiste. She just came from Lithuania. I hope you all make her feel welcome here as she doesn't speak much English-"_

"_I speak English reasonably well, thank you," a curt, accented voice interrupted._

"_Well, go sit down at that table with Emily-Sabine and Cadence," the teacher indicated a round table and two girls; one was slumped over playing with Beavis and Butthead dolls and the other was sitting up straight, obedient as a dog. _

_Aiste walked over to the table and sat down._

"_I am Cornholio. I need TP for my bunghooooooole. You must feed the almighty bunghole. The almighty bungholiooooooo," the girl with the dolls was muttering._

"_Hi," she said quietly to the pre-occupied black-haired girl, offering her hand and hiding her frown with a forced, albeit hopeful smile._

"_Hhunh?" the not-so-puffy-haired one grunted. Aiste was taken aback by the girl's disrespect to her friendly gesture. Her face fell and resumed its stuck-up look.  
_

_But then… _

"_Hi, I'm Cadence Gottlieb. Call me Cade," a genial blonde girl reached over shook her hand firmly._

_She grinned. Aiste beamed. _

"_This ill-begotten, moronic dummkopf," she pointed at the sprawled figure in the middle, "is Emine."_

_Aiste chuckled._

"_Do you mind?" dumb-head grumbled. The duo then segued into a bickering match on a steady crescendo and started smacking each other.  
_

"_Girls!" came the shrill notes of Ms. Corruthers' voice, "we're going to go around the room and say what we did during our holidays…" _

_7 years later, Waverton Bay Cemetery_

_As she gave a silent blessing, Cade quietly begged that it'll wake up and tell her the death was a joke. An elaborate prank that it pulled; she always had a macabre sense of humour. They'll just laugh it off the next day and they'll get on with their lives. She'll forgive it for grief it caused._

_Its eyes suddenly blink, and it yells "BOO!" It laughs warmheartedly._

_Cade felt relieved. It was just as she thought._

_It jumped out of the casket and took her hands. The music changed to "Cassiopeia" by Coheed and Cambria, its favourite song. They danced around. Time slowed. _

_Cade looked at Emine sitting the back row, in the far left corner. _

_Emine looked back at her, smiling beatifically. She wore bright colours._

_Cade looked back at the casket. It doesn't stir. Portishead continued._  


* * *

Not Entirely Cliché but subject to revision: Part II

The beast stopped struggling. Its profane call reverberated throughout the dungeons.

The orc sentinels gulped in fear. They felt slightly relieved when a large orc and Saruman the White appeared around the corner.

"Release her," said the Istari.

The sentinels opened the door and approached the beast with caution. As one began to unbolt the chain from the wall, the beast latched its jaw onto the orc's throat and ripped it off to the spine. The other orc scrambled behind Saruman to escape the gnashing jaws.

As Saruman approached the beast, it cowered against the wall and stared almost defiantly at the wizard- only to be struck in the face by his staff, cracking bone.

"Don't waste your energy," he spat, "I have a present for you."

The beast snarled and returned to chewing the body the half-beheaded orc. It got rewarded with another blow, and it whimpered like a dog.

The beast grovelled at the wizard's feet in submission and yelped when the large orc tugged at the chain around her neck.

"Stop. I want her… lively. Come." Saruman commanded.

The beast crawled up many flights of stairs until they reached their destination: a circular, subfusc room.

The orc shoved her in the room and slammed the large doors shut.

A body was lying in the middle of the room. It wore a grey robe, had long hair and a beard in a lighter shade. Both were riddled with white strands. A twisted, wooden staff was next to it.

The beast scuttled near the body and gave it a quick sniff, only to jump back in disgust.

Its face was lined and wrinkled, like an old man's. This body was that of an old man.

The old man's eyes flickered open, and the beast didn't know what was happening until it hit the wall.

At first the beast's face held a startled look of hurt until it realised what the old man was trying to do.

It wouldn't let him.

It pinned the man to ground and began to maul him quite thoroughly.

Soon, he was nothing but a bloody mess.

* * *

This chapter is subject to change. This story is actually a creative writing exercise for me; so all the chapters will be tweaked with quite a bit. 

Thanks to Just Me (again) and Odie for reviewing.

And to the rest of you, review. The nit-pickier, the better (usually).


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